What I do differently

Eighteen years ago, my mother wrote an e-mail to her devoted distribution list (this was before blogging took off) entitled “FAMILY (be forwarned, a self-indulgent posting.” In it, she looked at her children’s contributions to our family (mine was being her Pied Piper, leading her & others astray to fun places) & what she considered one of our great strengths.  John’s was his sense of fair play (still is!).  Mine (yes, I am Elsa) was an “unshakeable belief in the possible, no matter what the odds.”

I could see the truth of that, but never understood it.  Until now.  The explanation not only gives understanding to what Mom experienced, but also to what about me has driven my sibs – particularly Mim, Peter & Kerry – absolutely NUTS.

It’s not simply an unshakeable belief in the possible, but that my radar is always up & working.  I am always looking for the deeper answer, for explanations to things that feel harmful, hurtful – to myself & also to others.

All of my life was spent seeking wholeness.  That’s not personal puffery, because I didn’t do anything to make that so, just was from Day One.  Part of the standard operating equipment I was born with is a fully functioning intellectual emotional spiritual radar system that’s always searching for ways to make the disjointed & broken WHOLE.  What  intrigued Mom sent Mim, Peter & Kerry right up the wall.  Am forever grateful John is more like Mom than them!

That inner radar, constantly seeking a less clouded understanding, is why, from the moments our paths crossed, something in me recognized John as… the closest I can get is a clumsily expressed”bringer of wholeness.”  It’s why, in spite of the fact I had a very tidy story already full developed to acknowledge the occasional moments it felt like he’d plunged a knife into my heart, my radar was still searching, without my awareness, for one closer to his reality.

Part of me always believed WOW was not only possible, but is what we are born to be.  I think that is one of the things that deeply bothered my sister about me, because she seemed to believe the opposite, that we are born for strife unhappiness misery.  She blew off just about everything I did because, in her life view, for anything to have real worth, to be valuable rather than mere fool’s gold, it had to involve some degree of pain. It wasn’t something that I layered on her, but a belief she came right out & told me, as her explanation for not having to be appreciative of the things I did for her.  They gave me joy, therefore she didn’t have to be even slightly grateful because they hadn’t cost me anything.

We ARE born for wow, including the under-the-radar fabulous parent, the teacher who never wins awards but motivates students to be their best, the baker who makes an irresistible butte cake.  WOW doesn’t mean honor glory gain.  A LOT of people who are big names aren’t anywhere close to being their WOW.  This WOW isn’t obvious.  But when it happens, we know it, feel it.  It registers on our radar.

What makes me different from the rest of my family is a fully functioning internal radar system.  Not an unshakeable faith in the possible, but an unrelenting search for clarity.  Spotting miserable messages around money – rooting them out & replanting ones that grow every sort of wealth & abundance.  Feeling the adrenaline taking a dip, strengthening my backbone & giving myself a shot of focus direction action.  Knowing what I don’t know & finding people who do.

What makes me different from my family – at least from Mom, Mim & Peter – is my total, long buried, belief that we are born for WOW.

The past four years were about building a well-tuned engine.  2017 was about turning the key in the ignition, revving the engine.  This year, I put the pedal to the metal, make things happen, pass some serious mile markers as I head for the nearest WOW.  Let’s see just how different I can be!

Author: auntdeev

playfulness coach, life enthusiast & general instigator, ENTJ, cat lover

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