There are things I was raised at my sister’s knee to despise – competition, wealth, the petite bourgeoisi (almost anyone not us). Praise be, I never was in sync with shunning being part of a greater whole (one of my most fervent, unmet, longings – until John) or just simply connecting.
There is a lot of power in an adored, much-older sister’s well-placed sneer. Am 65 & Mim’s been gone two full years & that smirk still makes it hard for me to get pass certain low expectations of myself & others. I can understand that she had inner demons egging her on, can feel a deep sense of compassion for her pain, but she had, it must be admitted, the skills of a well-trained psychologist in leaving their imprint on her baby sister, on the entire family.
It was this past December that it fully registered that every positive image she presented the world outside our family was twisted it into a dark specter for me.
And something so totally worth putting behind me. Loosen its grip, peel it off, pull it away.