It is possible! I can have enlightenment, fresh clarity around issues without going through sturm & drang first! Feels really pretty… cool.
How awesome that this weekend’s Jen Sincero’s quote is, “All you have to do is make the choice to let go of everything you’re so attached to that’s not serving you -and- manifest the reality that you want. Life is an illusion created by your perception, and it can be changed the moment you choose to change it.”
My second greatest attachment – after that with The Divine – is my relationship with John. But over the years, a lot of illusions can dig in, creating ruts & potholes in our relationship that threaten to throw it off balance, even topple it over. A road can be sleek & beautiful, but one pothole can cause a disaster.
We are not celebrating a secular Christmas this year. It just worked out to be too much emotional stress. That happened, famously, 28 years ago, over the course of two celebrations. The first was Christmas 1989, when I stressed out & burst into tears trying to get everything done for a party. John simply said, “This is not fun.” Those words hit my heart & head with full force & I set out to adjust how I do things. Then he said, as I prepared two months later for a February bash & was still wobbly with the emotions, “We are not doing this again,” which was my full warning – change NOW. And I did. Streamlined party plans, came up with saner cleaning schedules, put the focus on creating an environment where both of us could enjoy our friends. As John said, to my amazement, “You know, the hosts are supposed to have fun, too.” THAT had never occurred to me! Me, have fun at my own parties? What a concept!
But it doesn’t cut both ways. John can hear about things that he’s doing that causes me stress & consternation, that creates “this is not fun” situations & it just doesn’t register. If this is a guy thing, then it’s a guy thing that is a relationship breaker, because I just do not see how when it feels like he’s done me – us – dirt, it is MY responsibility to slap on a smiley face & make things work.
I did not wig out when something that was pretty important went by the wayside Instead, I did what I could – took down the Christmas things, returned The Retreat from Holiday Central to my personal development library. Not because I was emotionally mangled by John, but because it was time. It’s January 7 – time for the holly & the ivy to be tucked back in their boxes to wait for Christmas 2018. I feel lighter.
Something profoundly disappointing happened last night & I wasn’t emotionally mangled. Not even a smidgen. I was disappointed & sad, not shocked appalled dismayed.
It would have been wonderful if things had worked out, but they didn’t. I have the choice of manifesting the reality that means a lot to John – exchanging gifts & cards as if all is hunky dory – or one that matters to me. One year without getting gifts & cards & tags won’t kill me, but it is clear to me, if not to John – I am not doing this again.
From the first day, 28 years ago, that it became clear we had a problem with expectations – on both parts – John has looked to me to come up with his solutions. It’s really hard for him to get that it’s not as simple as giving him books to read. What worked for me is not what will work for him. But two years ago, I did find a book that – like You Are A Badass – thatnseemed to be one that might speak to him. I gave him Brene Brown’s Rising Strong last Christmas. This morning, when I took his stocking presents into his art studio & laid them on his drawing table – the Sky Bar, can of Barbasol, photos of our cats & more, much more – there was Rising Strong. Under his files, on the floor. Turns out he’s read “some pages,” that’s it. But oh by gosh by golly, he REALLY wants to read Jen’s book!!!
I love my John to pieces, but I do not love how all the solutions are supposed to come from me, do not love how he cannot say “Rats! I did it again!” when he does something hurtful but instead goes DIRECTLY to the why he did whatever it was. The only way anyone – guy or gal – can change is to recognize what doesn’t serve us, then manifest the reality that we desire want need. What happens when one spouse recognizes & lives that belief & the other doesn’t?
Turns out the big gift that I got this Christmas is the ability to feel sad without feeling smashed to pieces, to accept what is as being what it is, not trying to make it “better” – to realize that it’s okay to let go of everything that doesn’t serve me, however deeply I am attached to it, and then to manifest the reality that I want.
What I’ve sought for lo these many years – the ability to identify issues without first freaking out – is my here & now reality. And far from feeling like I am the victim & John is a wretched fellow, I see his plight from the sure foundations of love that’s grounded soundly enough for me to be able to see, without agita, that our relationship is not serving me, him or us.
Strange, being able to feel accept write that without a sense of tragedy, just simply as an aha without agita.