It seems that John & I are on the cusp of getting to enlightenment about mega issues WITHOUT first going through a wrenching kerfluffle. That would be a relief.
We are an interesting balance. I am forever grateful for John’s apparently infinite patience with me poking & prodding my way to greater awareness & a stronger sense of just what I bring to the table, what table(s) I want to be at, what I want to gain & give. He is grateful that I keep pushing our understanding of what matters to each of us individually, where we overlap & where we strike off on our own. He has even been okay with my outbursts of frustration, which started erupting in my late 50s & finally seem to have run – we both hope – their course, having served their purpose.
See, I was raised in a family where problems were swept under the proverbial carpet. It was never okay to bring up a problem, let alone work together to recognize the source & resolve it. The only way I stayed sane was to occasionally blow up, like the pressure cooker blowing its regulator. I’d say to Mom & Mim, “Just bear with me. I’ll let off steam, then everything will go back to the way it’s been.”
The problem is that’s not possible with John. We can’t just go back to a malfunctioning relationship. Have too much life experience under my belt to think that closing our eyes to a real problem will bring anything but misery. If we cannot find a way to address a critical communications problem, it will bring us down by revealing that we are a very limited US.
For almost thirty years, I have hesitated taking the lead because it felt like it should be a shared dynamic. Took me that long to realize “Duh! John has his strengths & you have yours. Taking the lead is one of yours, while being an insightful partner is one of his. Taking point does NOT mean taking over.”
SO, tomorrow we are having a business breakfast at Be Well with four entities in attendance – the two of (older & wiser) us, plus our active NOW & a concerned yet hopeful FUTURE.
My reality is that I need John to be my/our co-coach, for US to create a more effective NOW that builds to a wow FUTURE. There are things that beckon to be done, others that NEED to be, and I need someone to have my back.
There is a reason I don’t have enough disposable income at the moment to hire Luke Frazier or get Jane Kershner back on board – it’s meant to be me & my John.
Being where we are ~ mid-60s, early 70s ~ gives us both the reassurance that we CAN do this plus the clear understanding that a terrible outcome will happen if we fail to make better use of who we are as individuals, what we create together.
We bring to this critical task the awareness that creativity, resilience & commitment are the keys to unlocking fresh possibilities, to making wise decisions. That it’s easy to say we need to find new avenues, to make better calls & take wiser routes, not so simple to do the grunt work that makes it so. But he’s got faith in my ability to forge pretty wondrous new paths & I have every belief in John’s perception of what truly matters. And now that understanding is coupled with the knowledge that if we don’t make working together work, it will not be good.
Am reminded of what the great Kevyn Malloy told Mom after their first consultation – “Kay, you know what to do, now do it.” The same is true of the two of us – John & I don’t need a life coach to tell us what to do because we already, deep down, know it. Now we have to make it so. We need to believe in us & do all that comes from that belief.
It’s more than “now or never” – it’s our first & last opportunity to be in the NOW, opening ourselves to everything. If we’ve managed to get to enlightenment without having to battle through kerfluffle, then it is totally goosebump time! We shall see.