Jen Sincero wrote You Are A Badass in as edgy a style as she could muster. And as a founding member of the band Crotch, Jen can be totally out there. She figured that a lot of people who could use a good self-help book are turned off by what they could experience as “stuffy” language, so she ripped into the old model, coming up with the sort of approach & wording that would appeal to wilder hearts.
I set out on my intentional personal quest for a greater sense of self back in 1976. Have been encouraging John to do some inner searching from our earliest days, but he’s never hooked into any of the authors who set me pinging. He easily hooked into Jen. With the result that we start 2018 on a whole new track.
My siblings – particularly my s-i-l & my oldest brother – comment on my bad temper. And I can get my back up with them, which seems understandable, being the one & only Lockhart who delves & digs into issues, seeking recognition & – hopefully – resolution. It is NOT a family trait. When my next-older sibling died when I seven & he eleven, we NEVER discussed the impact it had on us individually & as a family, a shutting down & out which went totally against my nature.
Pardon me as I digress, but am finding myself smiling, remembering my s-i-l, who has called me out as perhaps the most psychotic person she’d ever encountered. I must confess that Kerry cracks me up. She is pointedly critical of my family, but when – on several occasions – Mom & I, separately or together, heeded her rebukes & followed her recommendation, Kerry reacted precisely the way we’d feared. What still cracks me up is the sheer absurdity, especially when she went off the deep end when Mom placed her among the many (including me) with whom my mother felt emotionally unsafe – Kerry’s pen lashing unwittingly proved the point. Small wonder Kerry experiences – and the others – experience me as such a dark bleak soul considering how differently we process words & actions. When it turned out I get seriously distressed with John, keeping Kerry’s metaphorical knuckle rapping in mind helps.
That we’re (I’m) occasionally plunged into despair is the sad news. The good news, which reached a zenith of wow awareness this past Monday & Tuesday, is how frequently distress jarred us into a new view of longtime issues. Our goal for 2018 is opening our eyes & spirit to addressing problems WITHOUT the flaming aggravation.
The key heartbreak for me has been that John seemed so incurious about source of the challenges he brought to our marriage. The sources that did so much for me over the past decades did zip for him. The big AHA is that he is the audience that Jen targets in Badass…!
Am embarrassed to say that it NEVER dawned on me that Jen is a good fit for John. However, I rarely post anything without first reading it to him. The only reason he connected with Jen was because of listening to my post, but the more I read, the more it was clear that HERE was his hook.
Many factors come into AHA moments like we had on Wednesday, realizing that we have to do something because things cannot go on as they are. When we first fell in love, several weeks after meeting & several days before getting engaged, John looked at me in amazement & said, “I can tell you ANYTHING.” That core quality is what’s gotten us through the roller coaster called marriage. We not only can tell each other anything, we are both certain that the other person is never intentionally setting out to hurt us, however much we might feel pulverized.
No one can prepare a person for the weird chemistries of marriage, how the longer you’re married & the more committed you are to creating a nurturing relationship, the more ancient issues are revealed in new lights or old hurts take on new guises. Getting deeper doesn’t mean it gets easier.
Maybe starting to address our problems takes a maturity, a balance we just didn’t have until this moment. Wouldn’t have mattered much if we had, since Jen only published Badass… in 2013, I didn’t read it until 2016 & John just connected with it YESTERDAY, after our relationship teetered on the edge of disaster.
Weird – weeks ago, I bought the page-a-day Badass… calendar. Little did I realize what a wild opportunity the accumulation of our days & the insights of edgy Jen Sincero has brought our way!
* Defining BADASS – a person who is independent & competent enough to do what they want, regardless of whether it’s popular, or even allowed. A badass is someone who rolls up her sleeves, knows what she wants to do, is open to the risks & flat-out goes for it. Who can laugh at themselves while taking their pursuit seriously, love themselves & others, who are wise enough to “rejoice in the cosmic ridiculousness” of it all.